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when i was a little kid somebody showed me the skin that a tarantula had shed. offered to let me hold it. i didn't because i was too scared that the husk would come alive in my hand and bite my wrist.
half awake one morning i drank a cup of coffee in bed, and imagined the body of a huntsman floating to the top and sinking its fangs into my upper lip. i lay back in bed and dreamt intensely for another twenty minutes before i got up and got ready for school.
the earliest nightmare i can remember is of me in the park near my grandparent's house, except the grass is dotted with rock pools with deep blue water in them. a spider the size of me climbs out of one of the pools and chases me across the park. i am running from it, whenever i turn around it is just a mass of legs moving. periodically it drops into one of the pools and i wait. then it erupts from a pool next to me and i have to run again, barely keeping ahead of it.
when i'm stressed i sometimes dream about massive numbers of spiders, infestations. in one of them i am waiting in a checkout queue at a supermarket and i look back to see all the aisles are covered in web, and gradually, spiders start to crawl out from between the items on the shelves. some of them are huge. in the most recent one i was told to wash the dishes and i found the sink was filthy and filled with web. i tried to clean some of the dishes but every time i moved something i disturbed spiders. big bloated ones the color of rotted fruit and glossy black ones with prominent fangs. the centre piece of the dream was my turning over a plate to reveal a tarantula the length of my forearm, moving slowly. these dreams aren't nightmares, i'm never afraid in these dreams. the pervasive emotion is always dread and rising panic.
